(The ideas in this article are adapted from the research of Dr. Stuart Ablon, a leading expert in collaborative problem-solving and child psychology.)
When your teen seems unmotivated, it's easy to assume they just don't care. But what if their behavior has less to do with a lack of motivation and more to do with missing skills? The truth is, most teens would do well if they could. Their struggles often stem from skill gaps, not laziness or lack of intelligence.
Here are 5 essential skills your teen might need support with:
Language and Communication Skills
Communication gaps can lead to frustration and misunderstandings, making it crucial for teens to develop strong language and communication skills.
Can your teen articulate their thoughts clearly?
Do they know how to ask for help or express their needs effectively?
Cognitive Flexibility
Flexible thinking fosters resilience, while rigidity can lead to frustration and setbacks.
Can your teen adapt when things don’t go as planned?
Are they able to see situations from different perspectives?
Attention and Working Memory Skills
These abilities are foundational for completing homework, following instructions, and managing daily responsibilities.
Can your teen focus on a task and shift their attention when needed?
Are they able to retain and use information to complete tasks? These abilities are foundational for completing homework, following instructions, and managing daily responsibilities.
Emotion and Self-Regulation Skills
Impulse Control: Can your teen pause and think before acting? Poor impulse control can lead to negative consequences with little learning from them.
Emotional Regulation: Do they have strategies to calm themselves when upset or frustrated? Emotional tools help prevent outbursts and improve interactions with others.
Cognitive Flexibility
Can your teen adapt when things don’t go as planned?
Are they able to see situations from different perspectives?
Social Thinking Skills
Social thinking helps teens develop empathy, navigate relationships, and maintain positive connections.
Do they know how to start a conversation, join a group, or interpret social cues?
Can they understand how their behavior affects others?
I remember when my own teenager was struggling with keeping up with homework. I found myself constantly reminding her to get started; it was a daily battle. It wasn’t until I sat down with her and asked what was going on that I realized she wasn’t procrastinating on purpose—she didn’t know how to break her assignments into smaller, manageable steps. Together, we created a simple plan for tackling one piece of homework at a time. Once she had the tools to approach the work differently, her confidence—and motivation—started to grow.
Why External Rewards Don’t Work
Offering external rewards like money or privileges for good behavior might seem effective at first, but over time, it can diminish your teen’s internal drive. Excessive reliance on rewards can damage self-esteem and create a dependency on external validation instead of fostering intrinsic motivation.
Responding with Relational Discipline
Instead of focusing solely on consequences, consider relational discipline—an approach emphasizing connection and collaboration. Here are three options for handling a problem:
Plan A: Impose Your Will
This approach uses power and control to address the issue, focusing solely on the adult’s concerns. While sometimes necessary, it’s the least collaborative and can strain your relationship with your teen.
Plan B: Collaborate
This method brings both your concerns and your teen’s concerns to the table. Collaboration involves three key steps:
Empathy: Understand your teen’s perspective. Ask questions, reflect on what they share, and reassure them. For example: “I know there must be an important reason for why you feel this way. I just want to understand.” This calms the situation and builds trust.
Share Your Perspective: Express your concerns without immediately offering solutions. Use “I heard you, AND” (instead of “BUT”) to validate their viewpoint while sharing your own.
Invite Problem-Solving: Work together to find a solution that addresses both sets of concerns. This teaches critical thinking and negotiation skills.
Plan C: Drop It
Sometimes, it’s okay to let your teen solve the problem their way. This approach prioritizes their concerns and shows trust in their ability to handle the situation.
Start with What’s Frustrating You
If you’re not sure where to begin, make a list of the situations—not behaviors—that frustrate you. For example, instead of “They’re always on their phone,” identify the situation: “They don’t complete their homework before using their phone.”
The Three Ingredients of Collaboration
To effectively collaborate with your teen, remember these three key steps:
Regulate: Stay calm and help your teen regulate their emotions. Dysregulation is contagious, and if you’re calm, they’re more likely to stay calm too.
Relate: Build connection and trust through active listening and empathy.
Reason: Engage in problem-solving together to find solutions that work for both of you.
Beware of Dissociative Compliance
Teens might nod and agree during a conversation just to end it, without truly buying into the solution. This “dissociative compliance” can lead to resentment or continued struggles. True collaboration ensures both parties feel heard and respected.
It’s a Skill, Not a Will
When your teen struggles, remember: it’s not about a lack of willpower. It’s about developing the skills they need to succeed. By shifting your approach from control to collaboration, you can help your teen build these skills—and strengthen your relationship in the process.
Jennifer Delliquadri, Certified Professional Coach for Parents and Teenagers
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